Mother having an Acquired Brain Injury

It is extremely tough growing up having a mother who has never been satisfied with where she is at. Let alone being acceptant of her physical form, nor mind, because it is so frustrating to her with how often she forgets things. The car accident gave her short term memory loss and left side body paralysis. It's sad when you're used to the full use of your healthy, young body and you have to relearn to walk and talk again. I cannot imagine. Before the accident she was a very confident woman, extremely good looking and knew it given all of the attention she received from men.

Although my mother has also undergone cancer twice before the accident, she is still beautiful with the most gorgeous young soul.

She currently resides in what you can call an "old folks home"; most days she is bored out of her mind. Even if they have things going on in there, she most likely won't go because she would much rather be around a younger crowd. It is like her mentality is stuck at being 18- when the car accident happened. And more so than me, she wants to go out for shots and sing karaoke at the bar. Don't get me wrong, I like to have a good time too. But when with mom I take on the responsibility of feeling like I'm the parent, and as such, stress like it. I worry more than I should. She could slip and fall on some ice if she attempts to go uptown on her own, like she often will do, her walking being so off balanced. She normally uses the support of a cane and her leg brace but sometimes she finds the cane gets in her way and her feet give her troubles and sometimes would rather where different footwear that her brace will not fit into. When she is with me or family, she will use the support of our arms to walk. She has a funny sense of humour thankfully, many times she's hit people in the butt with her cane to get a point across. I am glad that she is as independent and confident as she feels doing things on her own so much, but with that we do worry for her safety. She thinks the best of people and wishes to keep every business up and running, giving her support, even if that means her spending money on things she really doesn't need at all. People can take advantage of that kind of person.

Shopping makes her happy. That it does to so many, including myself. I am a woman after all! It is a short term thrill and something that most of the time, when you get it home, you feel you didn't need it to begin with. And the room where mom lives fills up quickly with clutter that every time I go to see her, I am removing full bags of clothes and garbage.. That I know I will be repeating the next time I see her because she will very soon be out shopping again for things she will later try pawning off on me (haha). But I get it, I shouldn't be complaining about her shopping habits. In the long scheme of things, that is not a big deal at all and I will take it even if it only brings her temporary happiness.

I do have a worker taking her out again like she had years ago when she lived on her parents farm. I still at times beat myself up thinking that taking her off of the farm early was the wrong thing to do. As she was in amazing shape out there, gardening away in the summer months. Her boogying around on the golf cart everywhere in her bathing suit. Feeding the chickens, her dog Gina following her around as her own shadow. It wasn't such a bad life out there for her. Her parents did a lot for her and us kids. The winter months were hard for her though. You'd often find her spending hours playing Solitaire on her computer in the dark basement. --- So when you're hardly an adult yourself, and your full grown disabled mother has been constantly telling you for years to "get her out of there", you do everything in your will to. She had to get re- assessed to be living off of the farm and I was looking into assisted living places for her. There wasn't really a perfect match at all for her in our city. People like mom tend to fall through the cracks, as sad as it is. I always thought I just needed to blow up as an artist or something to be rich enough to support mom in the ways that she needs. We have been lucky enough for AISH's support over the years to help her pay for things like residency and her minimal bills monthly.

She is a farm girl at heart. She didn't want to have to move to a bigger city with more options as that would mean being further from family, and looking at "cookie cutter houses" (in her words). Every place we moved her into was just depressing for her though. Surrounded by people older than her parents. She would call it her "jail cell', or "box". So sad. I hate it. But she does seem more content with her living situation now. If she had it her way, she'd be living out on a little house in Bruce or something to "keep the town running". Because she feels that's up to her... She has the biggest heart I know. She means so well. And sometimes people in her circumstances, don't understand what is best for themselves.

At the time I was trying to get my own life started and as much as she's always wanted to rent a place together, I knew it would just cause problems. I'd replay it over in my mind all the time, thinking how it could be a "win- win" scenario. I could be saving money on rent while helping her out and her having a better quality of life. Or so I'd think. But then some family member or friend of mine would remind me of how that would probably not be the best thing for either of us.. Describing a similar situation that happened to them or someone they knew with a loved one and how difficult it was. How they wished they'd went about it differently. Respectfully, deep down, I knew that there would be absolutely no boundaries set. Not like there were any to begin with, but I knew that my mental health would take a huge toll. Although I have thought of living with my mother being the answer many many times. At this time especially for me and my boyfriend, I think it would very much come between our relationship. Which is a very good thing for me, and something I want to keep. I have had to have people convince me to not guilt myself because I am not living and taking care of her in the way I feel I should be. Guilt. It is a nasty thing.

I constantly think about ways in which we can enhance mom's life. Would she do better living somewhere else? Maybe. Would she be happier with a man that loved her dearly? Probably.

We try our best and we do what we can for her but it really has always been a defeating, overwhelming feeling, trying to make her happy. Because you can't MAKE anyone happy.

As sad as a 52 year old living in a home sounds, her family really does know what's best for her. She very quickly will find ways to not be satisfied, and that is just her. It wouldn't matter where she was. It drains us because we all try to "fix" that feeling for her. When really it is something that has to be found within her. She has her Faith though, that has helped her through everything and gives her deep meaning to keep living. She thinks she is here to set an example to others.

I am 25 at this time and can confidently say that wherever we move mom to, if we find a "better" place for her, more suitable, that it won't necessarily make her any happier. Just the other day I asked her "what's wrong??" and she tells me that "you don't know what it's like to be disabled" and goes on about it. I never feel good after hearing things like this, but I've had to learn to protect myself or I fall with her. Thankfully music brings her spirits up right away, animals, things that she loves. So it is quite easy to cheer her up quickly.

So getting mom out of her current residence I've come to realize isn't the answer. It's taken me long enough. I've wasted away so many hours trying to figure something else out for her in desperation. There are some younger people in there where she lives, we get her out as much as we can and we all try our best. I always have my ears and eyes open to new places and better situations for her, but we can't keep moving her all the time either. She feels safe where she is and has her own space. It is along a beautiful valley where she feeds the birds and sees deer and rabbits pretty well daily. I have often thought that if mom lived on a Hawaiian beach with 4 nurses switching off taking care of her, she still wouldn't be happy. Because as sad as it is, she hasn't really come to accept her condition. She is adverse to receiving professional help, but knows she needs assistance. Through all of life's adversities, she was blessed with 3 beautiful children that do love her very much. Don't get me wrong, we have gone through our moments of resentment, anger, and guilt with each other- all those nasty emotions but it doesn't take long and we are always apologetic after losing our cool. I love my mother dearly, with all of my heart. She has always been my "why" in everything that I do. But as I've been getting older I've had to realize that I do come first. I have to. If my health starts declining due to any kind of stress like this, it's on me to fix it. And I won't necessarily have a ton of family support, because everyone has their own thing going on. So I have to be strong for me. Learning to say "no" as time keeps ticking because sometimes I just don't have it in me to do everything people seem to need from me.

Boundaries aren't easy to achieve. I highly recommend reading or listening to the audible version of "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud. I am probably due for a reread soon but there is a lot of valuable information in that book to help you if you struggle with setting boundaries, the way that I did and still do.

I have been writing a book dedicated to my wonderful mother about my life for a few years now.. I've had it on the back burner lately, but hopefully this wellness business and blog will light up a fire inside of me to finish it. I want to share her story in detail, regarding the accident and what has happened over the years. I am hoping that blogging/ vlogging/ whatever I decide to do on this growing journey that I am on- helps me to share these stories and testimonies, as well as others who feel inclined to share their story with me. Life hasn't been easy, that is for sure. It isn't meant to be. We grow through the tough times and they really do make us stronger. I remember feeling hopeless and so lost in the past and those feelings and getting over them, have made me the empowered woman that I am today. Not to mention my tough-as-hell- mother.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

PS. Stay tuned and follow me on my socials for further news regarding the book coming!

So much love, Jasmyn